There is a particular kind of discomfort that can stay with us long after an event has passed.
Perhaps you said something in a meeting and immediately wished you hadn’t. You made a mistake that nobody else seemed particularly concerned about. Or someone offered a small piece of criticism, and although you understood what they were saying, you found yourself thinking about it for the rest of the day.
Sometimes it is not the event itself that lingers, but what we begin to believe it says about us.
I should have known better.
They must think I’m useless.
Why do I always get things wrong?
These thoughts may arrive so quickly that we barely notice them. Yet they can influence how we feel about ourselves, how comfortable we are around other people and what we do next.
Shame is part of human emotional experience. But when it becomes a familiar way of interpreting ourselves, its influence can reach much further than an uncomfortable moment.
One · Understanding shame
When a mistake begins to feel like something about you
Guilt and shame are often spoken about together, although they are not quite the same.
Guilt generally concerns something we have done, or believe we have done. We might regret speaking sharply to someone, forgetting an important commitment or behaving in a way that does not reflect our values.
That discomfort can sometimes help us recognise harm, take responsibility and make repairs.
Shame tends to reach further into how we see ourselves.
Rather than thinking, I made a mistake, we may begin to think, There is something wrong with me.
The distinction is not always clear-cut. Guilt and shame can overlap, and both can be influenced by relationships, culture and personal experiences.
What matters is how an experience becomes part of the story we tell ourselves.
A difficult moment can gradually become evidence for a much larger belief about who we are.
Two · The everyday experience
Shame does not always look like shame
We might imagine shame as someone visibly embarrassed, avoiding eye contact or wanting to disappear.
Sometimes it does look like that.
But shame can also appear in ways that are less obvious.
Someone might work exceptionally hard because making a mistake feels unbearable. Another person may apologise repeatedly, even when they have done nothing wrong. Someone else might become defensive when receiving feedback, not because they are unwilling to listen, but because criticism feels deeply threatening.
There can also be a tendency to withdraw.
A message goes unanswered. An invitation is declined. A difficult conversation is avoided because the possibility of feeling exposed seems too much.
These behaviours are not proof that someone is experiencing shame. They can have many explanations.
But for some people, shame sits quietly beneath the surface, influencing decisions without being recognised.
Sometimes what looks like perfectionism, defensiveness or withdrawal is connected to a fear of being seen as inadequate.
Three · Where it can begin
How experiences influence the way we see ourselves
Our understanding of ourselves develops through many experiences, including the relationships and environments in which we grow up.
Being criticised repeatedly, compared with others, humiliated or made to feel that acceptance depends on performance can influence how we come to evaluate ourselves.
Sometimes these experiences are obvious. At other times, they are more subtle.
A child who regularly hears that they are too sensitive may gradually become reluctant to express emotion. Someone praised mainly for achievement may begin to associate being valued with getting everything right.
Of course, childhood is not the only influence.
Bullying, discrimination, relationship difficulties, workplace experiences, addiction, financial hardship and significant life events can all contribute to feelings of shame.
And shame does not always mean there has been trauma.
For some people, however, earlier experiences may have created enduring beliefs about being unworthy, unacceptable or somehow less than others.
These beliefs can continue to influence adult life, even when circumstances have changed.
Four · Shame and the body
Why shame can feel so physical
Shame is not simply a thought.
It can involve noticeable physical changes.
A flushed face. Tightness in the chest. A sinking sensation in the stomach. Difficulty finding words. The urge to look away, become quiet or leave.
For some people, shame may bring agitation or a strong desire to explain themselves. For others, it can feel like becoming smaller, quieter or disconnected from what is happening.
Our emotional experiences involve interactions between attention, memory, bodily responses and the meanings we attach to situations.
When we feel socially exposed or threatened by possible rejection, the experience can be powerful, even when no immediate physical danger exists.
Recognising these sensations may help us notice shame before we become caught up in self-criticism.
Not every uncomfortable bodily sensation needs analysing. Sometimes simply recognising that something has affected us is enough for the moment.
Five · Shame and recovery
When shame makes change more difficult
In my work supporting people experiencing harmful behaviours and addiction recovery, shame is something I pay particular attention to.
Someone may already understand that a behaviour is causing harm. They may recognise its impact on their finances, relationships, wellbeing or sense of control.
Yet that understanding can become entangled with painful beliefs about themselves.
I’ve let everyone down.
I should be stronger than this.
People would think differently of me if they knew.
Shame can make it harder to speak openly, ask for support or acknowledge a setback.
For some people, the discomfort of shame can also become part of the emotional experience they are trying to escape through a familiar behaviour.
This does not mean shame causes addiction, or that every person experiencing harmful behaviours feels ashamed.
But when shame is present, it deserves attention.
Recovery often involves taking responsibility for actions and their consequences. That responsibility does not require someone to believe they are fundamentally bad or beyond change.
Both accountability and compassion can have a place.
Six · Beginning to notice
Making space between the experience and the judgement
When shame is familiar, it may not announce itself as an emotion.
It can sound like an unquestioned fact.
I’m not good enough.
I’m a disappointment.
I always ruin things.
One possible starting point is to become curious about the difference between what happened and what we concluded about ourselves.
For example, there is a difference between:
What happenedI found that conversation difficult.
The conclusionI’m hopeless at relationships.
What happenedI made a decision I regret.
The conclusionI can’t trust myself to do anything right.
This is not about replacing every difficult thought with a positive one. Sometimes we genuinely need to acknowledge mistakes, consider their consequences and decide what to do differently.
It is about noticing when an experience becomes a judgement about our entire worth.
If it feels comfortable, think about a recent occasion when you were particularly hard on yourself.
What actually happened?
What did you begin telling yourself it meant about you?
Would you describe another person in the same way if they had experienced something similar?
There is no need to find a perfect answer. The value may simply be in recognising the difference between an event and the meaning attached to it.
If reflection brings up significant distress, it is reasonable to stop rather than push further.
Seven · Therapeutic support
When shame has become part of how you see yourself
In therapy, I am interested in understanding how someone’s beliefs about themselves developed, what may be maintaining them and how those beliefs affect their life today.
Sometimes the work involves exploring self-criticism, perfectionism, relationships or the ways someone responds when they feel vulnerable.
For others, shame may be connected to distressing experiences that continue to carry emotional weight.
Where appropriate, EMDR therapy can be used to work with memories associated with negative beliefs about the self, particularly when these are connected to traumatic experiences.
EMDR is a recommended treatment for PTSD, although it should not be presented as a universal treatment for shame. Whether it is appropriate depends on an individual assessment, their difficulties and what they hope to achieve.
Therapeutic coaching or counselling may be more suitable when the focus is on present-day patterns, confidence, boundaries or developing a different relationship with self-criticism.
There is no requirement to uncover a traumatic explanation for every painful feeling.
Sometimes the work begins with understanding what is happening now.
In short · What is worth remembering
- Shame can turn a difficult experience into a wider judgement about who we are.
- It can influence relationships, behaviour, self-confidence and willingness to seek support.
- Shame may be shaped by past experiences, but it does not always indicate trauma.
- Taking responsibility for mistakes does not require harshly judging ourselves as people.
- Understanding shame can create opportunities for change without dismissing what has happened.
Finding a different way to relate to yourself
It is not always easy to recognise shame when it has become part of our everyday thinking.
Sometimes it is woven into familiar habits: overthinking a conversation, trying to avoid mistakes, finding it difficult to accept kindness or assuming that others are judging us.
And sometimes we only notice its influence when something brings those feelings closer to the surface.
Understanding shame does not mean pretending our choices have no consequences, or that painful experiences can simply be thought away.
It may mean beginning to recognise that an uncomfortable experience, a mistake or a difficult period in life does not have to become the whole story of who we are.
